LEPRECHAUN 4: IN SPACE
Written in October 1997
“Hurry up, dickhead! Get this stuff secured so that I can go get drunk”
– Sergeant Hooker
BEGINNING PORTION OF REVIEW
Following
the enormous success of the critically lauded modern day masterpiece Hellraiser: Bloodlines – you know, the
one with pinhead in space – the makers of the popular Leprechaun series decided
space is the ultimate copout to writer’s block!
My life
motto is “bigger is better” and that is exactly what the leprechaun producers must
have been thinking – hey, it’s cool with me, guys; I drive a lifted truck and
get 10 miles to the gallon. If you
really think about it, what else could the Leprechaun do? He was in the country, the suburbs, and THEN
he went to Las Vegas (Gasp!)! We all
know that location is everything; a lot of people have this misconception that
it’s about great writing, or about great directing, or great
cinematography. Nope. In horror movie sequels the main goal is to
one-up the last movie! The brilliant director probably knew this was the last
leprechaun movie he would helm, so he wanted to make it to where nobody could
top him! If you think about it, there
hasn’t been one single space movie that is god awful, am I right? Where else could the Leprechaun have gone? Da hood?
Hah! Yeah, right! I could see it
now: they would probably cast some 80s rapper that was past his prime like
Ice-T to film a few scenes, stick his face and name on the cover, and use it to
get more recognition from a different demographic. What a stupid idea. I trust the Leprechaun filmmakers would never
sink to that level because once you go to space you definitely can’t come back
to Earth! Duh! My second favorite motto
is “GO BIG OR GO HOME,” so they would definitely be going home if they just
moved the Leprechaun to that location. I
wrote GO BIG OR GO HOME in caps to get my point across, and I usually yell it
when I say it aloud. I digress. So, I walked into my local video store Sunday
night in the year 1997 to see a VHS copy of Leprechaun
4: In Space just floating around in the new release section to my
surprise. I was tickled pink by this
find because I didn’t even know they were making a Leprechaun 4 because it seemed like Leprechaun 3 just came out 2 weeks ago – maybe it did? I’ll have to fire up the Windows 95, dial-up
on the internet, and see later after my parents go to bed. How about we get to the movie?
PLOT SUMMARY PORTION OF REVIEW
The
film opens with breathtaking special effects of asteroids and a space ship that
put Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey to shame.
I should probably add a disclaimer before I begin getting into the
knitty-gritty (details of the film).
DISCLAIMER PORTION OF REVIEW
This movie grabs you by the neck,
puts you in a headlock, and gives you a firm noogie from the minute it starts
and until the credits roll (96 minute long noogie to be precise). If you
accidentally thought you were watching Good
Will Hunting (available now from Miramax home video 1997), you will surely
be disappointed and you will most likely have a raw scalp the next morning. If you’re feeling adventurous, use a spotter
to watch this movie. A spotter is a
person who helps you lift weights and provides moral support, but I think that
could be used with watching movies, playing mini-golf, Knitting, or even riding
horses. Also, if you’re prone to
seizures, I wouldn’t recommend watching this film without the consent of your
doctor.
PLOT SUMMARY PORTION OF REVIEW CONTINUED
After the amazing intro
where director Brian Trenchard-Smith, director of part 3,
shows off his awe-inducing special effects, we meet the characters of the
Marine crew. After a minute or so of
incredibly witty banter between the Marine crew, we are introduced to Sgt.
Hooker who has a metal plate for half of his skull. Hooker yells a lot of dialogue and reveals
they’re going on a search and destroy mission, which he repeats in case someone
wasn’t listening, to the planet Ithacon.
He briefly explains why they’re doing so, but it doesn’t any sense. After explaining the nonsensical reason for
traveling to Ithacon a pesky female, Tina (Jessica Collins), stumbles into the
room; Tina must have thought she was auditioning for an episode of Days of Our Lives because she looked
puzzled to be there. Anyway, it’s soon very apparent Hooker has no time for
females because they’re useless to him.
He questions the controversial topic to Dr. Mittenhand (great name) who explains
to him in a campy German accent to just deal with it. Soon the crew is arming up on the ship to Ithacon
and Books, the protagonist of the film, is helping Tina put her armor on. At first they sass each other back and forth,
but a few seconds later they hit a little space turbulence and the turbulence
sparks some sexual tension between the soon-to-be love birds. After a lot of great dialogue, we are finally
introduced to the Leprechaun about 6 minutes into the feature (way too damn
long if you ask me) and we see he has a princess held hostage in his cozy
little cave. They also don’t really
explain how he got to this planet or how he kidnapped the princess, but that’s
okay; I like a film that challenges the viewer and leaves a lot of intentional plot
holes for the viewer to fill in. The
princess is kind of of a stuck up bitch and not interested in the Leprechaun
until he shows her all this gold he has.
She quickly gets interested after the Leprechaun exposes how filthy
stinking rich he is. He then tells her,
“Gold is Power,” which is the philosophy most rappers live by.
The Marines soon find the Leprechaun and an unrelenting
shoot-out ensues (I had to change my socks because my feet were getting
sweaty). After a solid minute of bullets
flying around, some brave soul throws a grenade at the Leprechaun and the
Leprechaun jumps on the grenade so it doesn’t harm the greedy Princess. KO, one of the Marines who looks like a
Jersey Shore reject, pulls out his dong and pisses on the remains of the
leprechaun. Oddly enough, Sgt. Hooker
looks very pleased he is doing this and yells, “LET IT RAIN!” with a big goofy
smile on his face. The Leprechaun’s
remains electrify the beefcake’s dick and he feels a slight jolt, but he just
ignores it. What’s the worst that could
happen, right? After the intense
shoot-out that had me nailed to my bean bag chair, they take the princess back
to the main ship. Shortly after, we are introduced to a scientist named Harold who
looks like Rick Moranis’ creepy brother the family doesn’t like to talk
about. I liked Harold’s relationship
with Sgt. Hooker because Hooker makes it pretty apparent he doesn’t have time
nerds! A few times I swore he was going
to give him a swirly because you can tell intelligence pisses Hooker off. There’s
no time for intelligence in the army! I
need to speed things up a bit. After
more great dialogue and unnecessary plot points we almost see boobs around 22
minutes into the film! As KO (the wise guy
who pissed on the leprechaun’s remains) is getting aroused by the half-naked
girl, the leprechaun is reborn through his penis. Once the Leprechaun is out of KO’s balls, he
starts causing some mischief, some people die, and we find out Dr. Mittenfield
is half-cyborg! I was really shocked at that plot twist because it explained
why the director chose such awkward camera angles every time we were exposed to
the character.
“Listen you little
pencil-necked geek! You give me the Doctor now before I knock out your teeth
and shit down your throat” – Sergeant Hooker yelling at Harold (the nerd).
Soon after meeting the Doctor they make a deal with him to
destroy the Leprechaun since their contract has expired. They briefly discuss finances and make a
deal. In retrospect, I bet they regret
that decision! (cue the ominous music)
“One more thing, if I
lose any more of my crew, your ass is grass… if you even have an ass!” - Sergeant Hooker yelling at recently
discovered cyborg Dr. Mittenfield.
As they’re searching for the mischievous Leprechaun, the
remaining members split up and share more great dialogue with one and other
that really add depth to their characters.
Tina and Books are obviously split up together and there is more sexual
tension between the two. If I was in the
movie, I would have just told him to kiss her face because she obviously wanted
it. Anyway, Tina and Books have a brief
encounter with the Leprechaun and escape.
Soon after that, there is more sexual tension but Hooker cock-blocks him
when he interrupts them. I mean, for a
big space ship with three groups of two split up to search the entire thing,
what are the odds for Sgt. Hooker and the girl who gave KO a boner to run into
them? Pretty slim you would think. While
those two groups are chit-chatting about important stuff, the Leprechaun is
stalking one of the remaining crew members.
Leprechaun says, “As Shakespeare said,’Shit happens’” to him before
killing him. It’s comforting to know
they still read good literature in the future.
After this, we see the remaining characters trying to kill the
Leprechaun, but I’m pretty sure they didn’t get the memo that bullets can’t
kill the Leprechaun because some of them die trying. The Leprechaun finds his princess in the lab;
then flattens Harold’s face with a pan and shortly after poisons the Doctor
with a deadly dose of baby blue DNA, scorpion, and a hint of tarantula. Yes, baby blue DNA, scorpion, and a hint of
Tarantula – sounds like a deadly concoction. Soon the team finds the Leprechaun
and the princess shows off her glittery boobs which are apparently a death
sentence? This catches the token black
guy’s attention though. I forgot to
mention there is a token black guy in the movie named Sticks who adds belly
aching wise-cracks to every scene he’s in.
Sticks is masterfully played by Miguel Nunez Jr. who also played a token
black guy over 10 years ago (because it’s 1997) in Friday the 13th
part V – he’s the fast-talking black guy taking a shit in the outhouse I’m also pretty certain he’s the only person
they show taking a dump in the entire Friday the 13th series. Anyhoo, more over-the-top plot points happen like
Dr. Mittenfield transforms into Mittenspider (also a great name), and we find
out Hooker was a cyborg (another gasp!).
The writers blew my mind with the reveal of one character being cyborg,
but finding out TWO characters are cyborgs BLEW
MY MIND! Also, I found out there are flies in space because
Dr. Mittenspider eats one. The
Leprechaun and glitter tits initiate the self-destruct mechanism, so the token
black guy decides to be a hero and try to diffuse it before being interrupted
Mittenspider. Of course he dies, because
black people never live in horror movies unless they’re urban horror
movies. HAH! Leprechaun in the Hood –
that’d NEVER work! More adrenaline
pumping action happens; the Leprechaun turns into to Uber-Leprechaun (he’s just
35 times taller than normal Leprehcaun), Books takes his shirt off to show off
his oiled abs while trying to send Mega Leprechaun into space, etc. I bet Books could have kept his shirt on to
fight Uber-Leprechaun and would still have had the same results, but I’m not
going to quibble over washboard abs. Finally,
Tina defeats Mittenspider without her pants on, Uber-Leprechaun gets launched
into space where he explodes, and they cancel the self-destruct with only mere
seconds to spare! Phew! Was that a close one or what, guys? They all give each other high fives and
Books, who still isn’t wearing a shirt, kisses Tina’s mouth for a little
bit. I love happy endings that melt your
heart.
THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS PORTION OF REVIEW
Ever
wonder what a Leprechaun film would be like if they blatantly ripped off the
movie Aliens? Well, you found it, kids!
The acting was top-notch, killer sets, tons of hot oiled-up beef shuttles
wearing wife beaters for the ladies, and a crazed half-cyborg/spider creature
with the name Mitternspider. There is also an important lesson that can be
learned from the film: if a crazed cyborg offers you an insane amount of money
to kill an obviously dangerous Leprechaun, don’t take the deal. They took the phrase “Get Rich or Die Trying”
a bit too literal with that deal. HAH! SUCKERS!
Get Rich or Die Trying? Sounds
like it should be a hip hop album or something.
Anyway, are there any science fiction junkies out there? Well, add this to your 1997 Christmas list because
I have a feeling this Direct-to-Video sequel is going to fly off the shelves
and be an instant classic for the years to come! Two Dorito-covered thumbs up!
